When It All Falls Apart

* audio: tears in heaven - eric clapton *

What must I do? What else should I do? Is there even anything I can even do anymore?

Questions keep running through my head.....mainly asking myself why my mind is going into depression again....did I mention that I have like bi-polar disorder? Or is it cuz of something I'm lacking?

I'm trying to come to terms with everything thats going on.....basically theres many questions, and no answers at all. I hate to say it, but I'm a hypocrite....I can alwayz give my friends advice on how to do things, but everytime it's me who is confused, I never follow my own advice....I guess I'm naive enough to think that things will change and be different for me, but of course...it never happens....and i suffer the consequences, thus I have no one else to blame except for myself! ARRGH!!

I was thinking about it on my trip, and also in the office today....I've lived a life with quite an amount of regrets....and even though theres nothing much I can do about the past anymore, why do I still have doubts over the present? Do we live in such a world that one does not realize their limits or mistakes until its too late? Do we not learn from our mistakes before? Is that why I feel what I feel? Oh geez, here come the questions again.......

Simply put, I guess I'm ranting about shit here cuz theres no one else I can talk to.....my group of closest friends are like 10 000 miles away, and well....my other friend who I try to treat as a sister.....she has enough stress in her own life to deal with without my bothering her with my crap.....By the way, I wish her all the best with everything.....Take care jie, it will work out in the end.

Anywayz, hopefully some answers will be found over the next few dayz....I think I'll just keep to myself for now, seeing how no one can even notice that I'm acting differently....maybe this is just a phase, another test for me to pass....If it is, I'll aim to pass with flying colors.....if not, you'll find me in some corner depressed and possibly crying my heart out......I guess thats just the way life goes.....

Till next time.....


signing out.....